Ahead of the 2014 Eurovision madness in Copenhagen, Pandeia proudly highlights the best and worst of the competition from 1956 until the present day (and lets face it, most of the memorable ones are a bit of both). Brace yourselves.
Launching in 1956, the competition started out with a certain class. Black and white images, suave European bands playing skillfully in tuxedos…Where did it all go wrong?
So classy. So Dutch.
Who knew German could sound so sexy? Wait, is he speaking French?
1969 – The USA puts a man on the moon, Europe manages to get Eurovision in colour and boy, we sure aren’t in Kansas anymore. The UK’s contribution (and winner) was pop idol Lulu, back when she was the only resident in some sort of mad doll’s house..
Cliff Richards sporting what looks like a shiny Game of Thrones style tunic, with some Beatles rejects on the bongo drums. Make. It. Stop.
YEYYY IT’S ABBA!!!!! HOOORAYYY! ABBA!
Apparently, before she was UK Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher was a floral-clad Dutch pop-star singing songs on live TV about ding dongs. Who knew?
Okay, those synchronized head tilts are way too creepy. This song sounds like the accompanying soundtrack to a particularly violent horror movie scene with a clown and an axe. Dare him to stay. Dare the head tilting clown to stay. Don’t cry, honey, don’t cry. He’ll walk out the door, but he’ll soon be back for more.
No. Just, NO.
It’s 1981 and Denmark’s entry is inexplicable. A cool Debbie Cameron rocks the stage, complete with some groovy ballerinas, but all the while accompanied by a bit of a curly Danish dweeb on the piano and what looks to be his friends from church with the tambourines in the corner. Who on earth came up with this collaboration?
Speaking of strange collaborations, this is a bit of an odd pair from Italy. Is anyone else a little weird-ed out by the fact that guy has a pen and his glasses case in his front pocket the whole time? Why would you need those on stage, sir?
Okay so that Irish lady is just giving us a little bit of Euro-history on Switzerl…wait, did she just say Celine Dion?! Is that Celine Dion on a tractor? Aren’t you supposed to be that woman from Titanic? what? What?!
THAT’S NOT A BOAT CELINE, YOU’RE IN A FIELD.
Hey, it’s the 1990’s! Most of our core readers are being born, and Eurovision is slowly getting itself up to speed on fancy add ins. Would you just look at those graphics! Someone’s mastered Microsoft Powerpoint! Conversely, this song – from Iceland – is pretty awful.
For all those times you wanted to sum up the very essence of the 90’s but had no means to do so. Worry not, it’s ‘Love City Groove’. Fly.
1998 – Dana International became the first transgender winner of the contest, with winning entry ‘Diva’ from Israel.
If that all sounds a little too progressive for you though, fear not. To see in the new millennium, Denmark delivers a healthy dose of old white men on guitars, standing in front of terrifying space simulator doors. The song is ridiculously catchy though, so tak for det.
It’s 2003, and we meet Tatu for the first time – also known (at least at my school) as ‘those kissing Russian girls’ who would later confuse and arouse an entire generation with subsequent hit “all the things she said” (oh, can’t we share that video?)
Well, now we know where Justin Bieber got his inspiration from: Austria, 2004.
This has to be the most fantastic thing ever televised. If anyone ever manages to invent a working time machine, please take this footage back to late Victorian England and convince people this is how we live now. That there? Yeah that’s the lord high emperors of the world, dancing their sacrifice dance…
Norway gives Europe a fiddle. We give them first place. Personally, we prefer the one about the fox.
Oh yeah. It’s Jedward. They’re ‘hilarious’, apparently, and definitely not cloned prototypes, made up of part hyena, part pineapple, part Bart Simpson action figure. What a golden year for Ireland.
Denmark wins, but Romania really steals the show. We were so confused. Wasn’t Twilight supposed to still be pretty big last year? This guy should have nailed it.
As for 2014, I guess we’ll have to wait until later! Keep us posted with more terrible/incredible blasts from the past or who you think deserves a spot on this post from tonight’s proceedings.